The exercise of doing nothing

One day I realised I had become a compulsive thinker. Each waking moment, I was thinking of something to be done, or bought, or needed to be said. If I was not thinking I was planning, or I was worrying. If nothing else, I would catch myself day dreaming about things that I would love to have in my life. And if not day dreaming, I was reading or listening to music. There was no end to it. I was constantly asking my mind to do something, or to process some kind of audio, visual or sensory input. Almost as if I had put my mind on a treadmill that would never stop.

The relentless thought process had a telling effect. At the end of the day, I would feel fatigued and exhausted, even if I had done nothing physically demanding. My physique suffered, consequently my mental image of myself suffered, since I no longer thought of myself as an appealing personality. Pretty soon, I was headed towards a negative complex, where I started believing not many people would find me likeable.

It was not obvious that all these negatives had stemmed from mental fatigue, and yet, that precisely had a large role to play in the decline of my physical and mental health. I had stretched my mental muscles too far, without giving them a chance to relax.

That was when I remembered something about a relaxation technique I had read about in my teens. The technique was simple : you had to try and do nothing and think of nothing for some time each day. Before applying the technique, it was essential to run a test to find out whether you are a compulsive thinker: What would you do if you were asked to wait in an empty room for some time, with nothing else at all to do. Would you be able to just sit, and wait the entire time, or would you start going over something, and try to find something to do just to pass your time? Would you force your mind to think about something? If yes, then you may have just realised that you are driving your mind crazy by compulsively thinking.

There are many reasons people think compulsively. For some its a defense mechanism to prevent negative thoughts from entering their mind. Some do it without realising that they have not given a moment's respite to their brain, because they have so many things to cram into one day. Whatever be the reason, it is damaging to the brain in the long run. And then the mind reacts by reporting fatigue. When you feel fatigued, your mind is telling you it needs to shut off. The body may not experience any exhaustion at all, but your brain cannot take the strain any longer. You may have experienced that when you just fall asleep while watching TV after a busy day.

Meditation is the best way of helping your mind relax, but many people find excuses not to practise it every day, so to get started there is an even simpler exercise: doing nothing. Quite simply, it means just that - doing nothing, and thinking nothing for a few minutes once every few hours each day. You could be travelling in a bus, you could be in a restaurant, waiting for your food to arrive, or you could be at the shopping center. All you have to do, is shut off your mind to any thoughts whatsoever. You may find out that its a hard thing to do, after having spent a lifetime as a compulsive thinker, so initially you may benefit by trying it out in a silent room.

All you have to do is let go of all thoughts. There is no need to even focus on your breathing, In fact, the whole intention is to focus on nothing, because focussing causes the mind to exert itself. Instead, you let your mind go blank, maybe for only a few seconds initially. As time goes by, this will change, and slowly, you should be able to tell your mind to go blank and stop thinking at will. Be it in a doctor's waiting room, or at the mall while you are waiting in line at the cash register. Such self-imposed bouts of mind-blanking lead to mental relaxation, because now your mind gets a chance to reorganize itself, and it can focus better once you start working again.

There is no tried and tested method for relaxation, but I have found this works the best for me. If you know of anything better, do post it here.

Moody Mondays and Bluesy Fridays

Once upon a time, on a rainy day in June my parents took me as a kicking and screaming 3 year old to my first day in school. 25 years later, as I got up today, I got the same feeling. Probably my office will need to hire wild horses to drag me there today.

Fridays and Mondays have never been favourite days of mine. When I was a workaholic, I used to hate Fridays - I dreaded dropping whatever I was working on for 2 days, and then scractching my head after returning back on Monday, to figure out where I had left off - and consequently, I used to hate Mondays too. The weekend was just one big interruption in my flow of thoughts, and those two days bore the brunt of my hatred and displeasure.

I am no longer a workoholic, having realised the world was passing by while I was hunched up in front of the computer. I realised I had to get a hold of myself before I started calling my computer by pet names. And so I stepped out of my self-created shell, and smelt the fresh air, took to exercising, read books and started going to places and talking to people (unlike chatting like in the old days). Weekends have become more fun now, even thought I still have to do the usual dull things like throwing the garbage, washing my clothes and stocking up on groceries. Despite those tasks, there are many more things to do now, and suddenly 48 hours seem too less some times.

And the the circle is complete. My fridays are full of anticipation and planning for the weekend, and Mondays are filled with resentment. The weekdays now seem like an interruption between weekends. Dont get me wrong, I love my work. But having found what I had missed out for so long, I suddenly feel a longing to make up for lost time, go on all the treks I could have gone upon, fly to different cities I have always wanted to see, and meet the people I have not met. It becomes hard to stop reading a book at 11.45 PM on a Sunday night becuase you have to wake up to go to work on Monday.

Some people I know have a different take on this. Come friday, and I hear them lamenting "Man.. I am headed out for my second job now. The wife and kids need things done around the house." Thankfully, I have none of that ;=)

On helping someone...

I have often found myself freaking out because I am worried to death about someone else and whatever problems they may be facing.

The question is, how far should a person go, when it comes to helping people? I am not asking how far I should go in terms of investing my time or money - I dont have reservations about either. Rather, I am confused about how much do I persist in terms of recommending solutions.

There have been occasions when the other person has not really told me the whole story, or worse, I have misinterpreted the situation, and related it to some different experiences I may have had previously. Should I even hazard a solution in such cases? How do I know if my solution won't cause more damage instead of helping? If by an unfortunate turn of events my so-called solution causes more problems, how much of responsibility is mine? Can I in good faith shake off all accountability and say the person who listened to me should have thought more about it? What if the person who asked me for advice was not in the mental state to make a judgement, and relied on mine instead?

Sympathy and empathy for someone are good, but do they become dangerous emotions when mixed with persistence? In the past, if someone asked me for my opinion, I used to strongly impress and maybe impose my solutions upon them, without realising that the person asking me was also thinking of other options, and my opinion was meant to be just that - an opinion, an alternative, nothing more. Today I realise with a shiver that I probably may have come off as posessive or compulsive on those occasions. Worse, what if I ended up alienating people because of that?

Sure, my intentions are good. But is that justification enough, to impose my opinion to the extent of interference in someone's life? Probably not. And yet, on many occasions I have felt frustrated when someone has asked me for advice, listened to it, and done nothing at all, not even executed any other plan of action to resolve the situation. I used to relentlessly pursue such issues and keep enquiring of such people out of concern, whether they were able to resolve the problem or not. Questions such as "What if the person has other things that he or she cannot tell me about?" or "What if the person has other bigger problems to handle?" would not cross my mind often at such times; they do now.

So thats why I always get worried about how far do I go, when I care about someone and want to help them. I worry whether in my zeal to help them out, I have started intruding into their life. Worse, I start doubting if I was simply expected to offer advice, rather than also go beyond that and help. There comes a moment of reflection when I start wondering if my persistence has made me unwanted, and the person I am trying to help, is not saying that to me, to avoid hurting my feelings.

The conclusion reached so far, is that its better to hold back a few urges to express your opinion rather than go all out and then realise you have crossed a fine line while you were blinded by concern. If you get the feeling you are over-doing it, you probably are, and in that case it may be a good idea to have a reality check and have a frank talk with the people involved. Metaphorically speaking, you may guide the horse to water, but you should not drag it there. To stretch the example further, it may be a better idea to also ask of the horse if it needs water in the first place, and if its found other ways to get it. Finally, its not your life, its someone else's life, and they should finally decide how to live it, on their own. You can offer support, or atleast listen, but you cannot live it for them. To look at it in another way, you can help them understand the situation better, and help them realise what options they have.

The trick seems to lie in helping someone stay calm and composed when their head is swimming, so they can take the right decision.

Patterns of life

Every now and then I start pondeing about what I have seen in the world so far, about what has happenned in my life, and in others' lives.

On each occasion, I cannot but help wonder how differently - and yet in a way, how similarly - so many of our lives proceed. Its as if there were only a few patterns really, and all lives were moulded and created into those patterns.

For example, take those people whose lives roll along at a steady pace, like a mathematical function. Ever since the day you have known them, you could have predicted what they would be doing at what age. You knew that person so-and-so would be pursuing his MS or PhD, then join a big company by such-and-such an age, and would then get married at so-and-so time. Kids would follow and so would promotions at the job, maybe followed by a stint at MBA, and probably a stab at starting a new company. You knew all of this years back, when the person was in your class, sitting next to you. And happily, thats how things turned out.

Then there are those who seem to be always missing out on something at the last moment. They take a descision at the last moment, only to learn that they were a few seconds late. They came from India to USA just one year later when the job boom was gone. They decided to not propose to the girl they loved only to learn that she would be getting married to someone else, without ever knowing she was also loved dearly by someone else. They are the perennial chasers, always running to catch a dream, and life in its cruel twists always snatching the dream away at the last moment. Yet, they are also the ones who never give up. They are also the ones who keep saying "yeah, tough break. I will try better next time". Makes you wish you could atleast just once give them the push, to help them reach their goal, give them a chance to smile.

That leaves us with some others who know what they want, and fight night and day to achieve it. Life again assumes its wierdest moods and makes life intorably tough for them, making them cry and sweat till the last ounce of energy has been squeezed out, befeore handing them a small portion of success. Some break down before they reach their goal, some others frown, not realising they have received what they needed, not necessarily what they wanted, while others (the happiest ones) just beam on and say "Atleast I got something...!"

Have you spotted any such themes in someone's life? Go ahead and post your thoughts here..

On being a bibliophile

I wish someone would pay me to read books. I would read them all, without stopping for nothing other than the basic necessities of life. I would read kids' stories and war reminiscences and traveller's notes. I would then write reviews on them, scathing reviews about the pessimistic authors, to ward off other innocent readers from attacks of depression, and lauding the good storytellers would would narrate tales of courage or just plain humor. Yes, that would be paradise for me.

It all started as a kid - as the only kid, to be precise. I had no brothers or sisters, and my parents had to go to work. So my mom got me a subscription to a library and thats when my life-long affair with reading started. I started off with comics like Tinkle and Amar Chitra Katha, followed by books for kids and interspersed with bouts of Tintin and Asterix. There were also gems from Indian literature, ranging from P.L. (Pula) Deshpande to Premchand.

Each day after coming home from school I would gobble up my lunch and curl up with something to read. I couldn't care less about my weak eyes and the ever-thickening eyeglasses. My favourite days of the month were those when I used to get the montly issues of Tinkle and later, Reader's Digest (in India, Reader's Digest is a very well managed and respected magazine, unlike the gossip tabloid its become in USA). I read with a feverish, insatiable hunger, leaving my mom yelling at me to actually also study a bit...

Reading allowed my imagination to run wild. I could imagine the setting of each scene, of the tone and voice of each character as I read their lines. Movies were great, but books were more fun. They contained more descriptions, which I could read over and over till the scene emerged in my mind. In a movie, the scene went by you in the blink of an eye.

Books have sometimes changed my perspectives in life. As a kid, I read "Shyam chi Aai" - it was written in my mother-tongue, Marathi, and the title means "About Shyam's Mother". The book changed my perspective towards my family. I started noticing the numerous things my parents were doing for me, without even so much as telling me about the trials and tribulations they had to undergo to ensure I would have a good life. Later, during my college years, my emotions were acting up and I was turning into an angry young man, frustrated by seeing bad things happen to good people, I found solace in the Bhagwad Gita and in its advice on how to deal with life. I learnt how to accept things, how to deal with failure and success, as and when they were thrown my way. I learnt to appreciate and understand life as it unfolded. On many occasions, I started acting like an observer to the events occurring in my life and marvelled in amazement, realising that only one being could handle such a complex jigsaw of lives and make it all fit together. I learnt how to do my best and then submit my actions to God, when everything else would seem beyond control.

Yet, there was a time when I almost gave up the hobby that has moulded me to a large extent. After landing in the US of A to pursue my MS, I gave up reading, and got engulfed in other mundane tasks of life. I worried about my grades, fretted about jobs that were not coming my way, and wondered when I would get to meet my family again.

I would probably have stayed that way. Luckily I met someone who rekindled my passion for reading. We started trading book titles. As time went by, the hunger for reading was back with its old fervour. I was again browsing the aisles of the Public Library digging into shelves looking for books and wincing in anguish after finding out that someone else had already checked out the title I wanted. There was sweet satisfaction in grabbing the only copy of a book before someone else took it. That was also the time I discovered Shakespeare. (Truth be told, I had never dared to read Shakespeare - I gave it a shot just because the person whose book reviews I trusted was recommending it - but hey, I actually liked it!)

To this day, given a choice between going out and stretching out at home with a book on my lap and a warm drink in hand, there's a 50% chance I would be loath to give up the book. I still drown myself in mundane tasks each day. I still fret about my future, my family in India. And yet, each time I make a trip to India, I return with a bag full of books, always worried about how much I have not yet read, always worried how and when will I find the time to even read so much. But having almost given up reading once, I know better now.

Negativity in media

Of late, I have started becoming more and more frustrated by the negativity in media - be it television, radio or print.
I start my day to watch the news, and what do I see ? A few explosions from Iraq and Israel, followed by a few kidnappings, and later, some stocks crashing down. On some days, the presenters also add a healthy touch of scandals, not to mention off-beat news such as the guy who goes slashing tires of all vehicles in his neighborhood. Logon to a news website, and hey - more violence, deaths and kidnapping.
Its hard to understand the media focus on the feel-bad theme. Agreed, people need to know the facts. But its very hard to believe that there are only bad facts. Why dont we get footage of red cross volunteers in Somalia? Why dont we get more footage of children going to school in Iraq?
Why dont we see more interviews of doctors doing voluntary work around the world? Is it because good news is too "sweet" and has no shock value? Maybe in the race to grab our attention by our eyeballs, media companies everywhere have started a relentless campaign to bring out more shocking and disturbing news, leading to a general feeling, that no good exists anymore in this world.
In the 40's, a single murder in the papers may have shocked people. Today, we chew on our cereal as we watch skeletons and flesh blown away by a blast. Negativity in media has finally begun desensitising us, to the point where we no longer feel much, unless it happens to us. Tsunami in Asia? Hmm. Very bad. Katrina? Yeah, thankfully it didnt happen to me! Snipers in DC? Lets go elsewhere for our July 4th trip. Maybe if we had a little respite from these things, from all the carnage and violence, public sensitivities would return back to more healthy levels. Maybe, people would start donating more to charity, if they did not feel at some level that whatever they do, the next day will bring out even more, and even worse situations.
Are these really the things we want to surround our lives with? I would like to wake up one day, and see a "Global Literacy increase rate" chart instead of the usual Terror Alert level...