On helping someone...
I have often found myself freaking out because I am worried to death about someone else and whatever problems they may be facing.
The question is, how far should a person go, when it comes to helping people? I am not asking how far I should go in terms of investing my time or money - I dont have reservations about either. Rather, I am confused about how much do I persist in terms of recommending solutions.
There have been occasions when the other person has not really told me the whole story, or worse, I have misinterpreted the situation, and related it to some different experiences I may have had previously. Should I even hazard a solution in such cases? How do I know if my solution won't cause more damage instead of helping? If by an unfortunate turn of events my so-called solution causes more problems, how much of responsibility is mine? Can I in good faith shake off all accountability and say the person who listened to me should have thought more about it? What if the person who asked me for advice was not in the mental state to make a judgement, and relied on mine instead?
Sympathy and empathy for someone are good, but do they become dangerous emotions when mixed with persistence? In the past, if someone asked me for my opinion, I used to strongly impress and maybe impose my solutions upon them, without realising that the person asking me was also thinking of other options, and my opinion was meant to be just that - an opinion, an alternative, nothing more. Today I realise with a shiver that I probably may have come off as posessive or compulsive on those occasions. Worse, what if I ended up alienating people because of that?
Sure, my intentions are good. But is that justification enough, to impose my opinion to the extent of interference in someone's life? Probably not. And yet, on many occasions I have felt frustrated when someone has asked me for advice, listened to it, and done nothing at all, not even executed any other plan of action to resolve the situation. I used to relentlessly pursue such issues and keep enquiring of such people out of concern, whether they were able to resolve the problem or not. Questions such as "What if the person has other things that he or she cannot tell me about?" or "What if the person has other bigger problems to handle?" would not cross my mind often at such times; they do now.
So thats why I always get worried about how far do I go, when I care about someone and want to help them. I worry whether in my zeal to help them out, I have started intruding into their life. Worse, I start doubting if I was simply expected to offer advice, rather than also go beyond that and help. There comes a moment of reflection when I start wondering if my persistence has made me unwanted, and the person I am trying to help, is not saying that to me, to avoid hurting my feelings.
The conclusion reached so far, is that its better to hold back a few urges to express your opinion rather than go all out and then realise you have crossed a fine line while you were blinded by concern. If you get the feeling you are over-doing it, you probably are, and in that case it may be a good idea to have a reality check and have a frank talk with the people involved. Metaphorically speaking, you may guide the horse to water, but you should not drag it there. To stretch the example further, it may be a better idea to also ask of the horse if it needs water in the first place, and if its found other ways to get it. Finally, its not your life, its someone else's life, and they should finally decide how to live it, on their own. You can offer support, or atleast listen, but you cannot live it for them. To look at it in another way, you can help them understand the situation better, and help them realise what options they have.
The question is, how far should a person go, when it comes to helping people? I am not asking how far I should go in terms of investing my time or money - I dont have reservations about either. Rather, I am confused about how much do I persist in terms of recommending solutions.
There have been occasions when the other person has not really told me the whole story, or worse, I have misinterpreted the situation, and related it to some different experiences I may have had previously. Should I even hazard a solution in such cases? How do I know if my solution won't cause more damage instead of helping? If by an unfortunate turn of events my so-called solution causes more problems, how much of responsibility is mine? Can I in good faith shake off all accountability and say the person who listened to me should have thought more about it? What if the person who asked me for advice was not in the mental state to make a judgement, and relied on mine instead?
Sympathy and empathy for someone are good, but do they become dangerous emotions when mixed with persistence? In the past, if someone asked me for my opinion, I used to strongly impress and maybe impose my solutions upon them, without realising that the person asking me was also thinking of other options, and my opinion was meant to be just that - an opinion, an alternative, nothing more. Today I realise with a shiver that I probably may have come off as posessive or compulsive on those occasions. Worse, what if I ended up alienating people because of that?
Sure, my intentions are good. But is that justification enough, to impose my opinion to the extent of interference in someone's life? Probably not. And yet, on many occasions I have felt frustrated when someone has asked me for advice, listened to it, and done nothing at all, not even executed any other plan of action to resolve the situation. I used to relentlessly pursue such issues and keep enquiring of such people out of concern, whether they were able to resolve the problem or not. Questions such as "What if the person has other things that he or she cannot tell me about?" or "What if the person has other bigger problems to handle?" would not cross my mind often at such times; they do now.
So thats why I always get worried about how far do I go, when I care about someone and want to help them. I worry whether in my zeal to help them out, I have started intruding into their life. Worse, I start doubting if I was simply expected to offer advice, rather than also go beyond that and help. There comes a moment of reflection when I start wondering if my persistence has made me unwanted, and the person I am trying to help, is not saying that to me, to avoid hurting my feelings.
The conclusion reached so far, is that its better to hold back a few urges to express your opinion rather than go all out and then realise you have crossed a fine line while you were blinded by concern. If you get the feeling you are over-doing it, you probably are, and in that case it may be a good idea to have a reality check and have a frank talk with the people involved. Metaphorically speaking, you may guide the horse to water, but you should not drag it there. To stretch the example further, it may be a better idea to also ask of the horse if it needs water in the first place, and if its found other ways to get it. Finally, its not your life, its someone else's life, and they should finally decide how to live it, on their own. You can offer support, or atleast listen, but you cannot live it for them. To look at it in another way, you can help them understand the situation better, and help them realise what options they have.
The trick seems to lie in helping someone stay calm and composed when their head is swimming, so they can take the right decision.
posted by Dream Runner | 6:36 AM
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