Kondy's Wiggle

"Everyone's unique!" they say. Liars. Just walk into a doctor's clinic - or even better, a hospital - and you'll realise how woefully alike we all are when it comes to illnesses.

I pity the doctors even more. They cram kilograms of knowledge for a decade, and all they get is a steady stream of people before whom they regurgitate it all. There's no creativity in that. Why, just wait a decade and some bright kid in Japan (or Kharagpur) might invent a robot that does just that - they might even create shiny, personal ones, in bright colours and have Apple sell them as iDoc.

Anyway, how in H do you - if you are a doctor - apply creativity, when the chap who pays your kids' school fees (aka the patient) has the same affliction as 99 others before him? Can't tell him "Hmm. Lets try these nitrates to cure that sprain of yours.. lets see what we get. Take two every hour, stop when you see psychedelic colours all over", can you...

Come to think of it, my IT admin is happier than the brightest doctor I have seen. I tell him, my DBArtisan software freezes frequently. "Oh. Interesting. You know, we'v been hoping to work with someone facing exactly these symptoms for quite some time now. Can I install a tracer on your system?".. I havent seen a more creative or chirpier person I tell you.

Fancy a doctor telling you that. "Hey! Great to meet you, old chap, never seen someone with that sort of rash. You made my day.." No no ... Doctors are dull, boring people. Whatever you may have, and however you may be convinced its new, they have a nice long geeky name for it.

I went sniffling to my Ophthalmologist one day, swearing bloody murder at my eye. Judging by those standards, I expected a ponderous examination.. some mumbling and scratching of the head. But there's no sense of adventure around these people. Thirty seconds of peering into my eyes was all it took him to declare "You have a Floppy Eyelid Syndrome".

"Is it rare?" I ask with some anticipation.

"Well... "

'YAY'

".. maybe. I'll prescribe an ointment". Crap. Anything that's already got an ointment is definitely not rare.

If I'm to take ill, I want to go down with something new. You know, make the medical folks sweat it out, make them work for the money that I (or hopefully my insurance) will pay them. I want to see that lost look on my doctor's face after he examines me.. I want to see him scurrying back to the dusty bookshelf with dusty books.. I want him to get on the line with his bosom buddies and tell them "Hey I have an interesting specimen here.. wanna take a look?!?".. I want to see that gleam of being challenged in his eyes.. and I want him to cure me and get the Nobel for having discovered and cured a new illness in record time (heck, I dont want to stay ill for longer than a week just because the bloke needs a challenge). And I want him to name the newly discovered illness as "Kondy's Wiggle". Fancy that. An illness named just after me. Years down the line, my doc pal would write a book

"Kondy's Wiggle - Then and Now : A Practitioner's Approach"

and eager students would cram it for their exams.

Well. One can always hope.